I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
