We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
tell me about the eggs
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
