I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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