drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
