Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hippo gnu deer
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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