Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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