I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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