I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
