Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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