remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
