i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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