can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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