he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
