1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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