Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
