I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
