The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
