I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
