yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize