just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
