this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
