We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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