Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
