you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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