Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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