She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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