i will never coherently bang her
You're earring is so big in my mouth
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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