You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
