If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
