gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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