Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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