He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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