not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
