I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
