I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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