I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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