went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
