he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
