Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
