you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize
