This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
