non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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