I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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