marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
