Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
