I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
