So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
These tits shall not be calmed
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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