i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
