I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
