my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize