She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
