remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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