I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
