she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
