I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
