so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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