I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
