I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
