I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
